Dictionary.com describes grief like this:  1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. 2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

I can’t put words together to describe my feelings most of the time. This post won’t make sense to anyone probably, but I have to get it out of my head.

My mom died August 6th. Seven weeks ago I lost my mom. My dad is alone, and I don’t have a mom.

It’s a physical pain. A numbness. Always with me, sometimes it washes over me like a wave, and others it sticks on me. A heaviness in my heart and chest that leads to the ugly cry that leaves me in a heap.

What triggers it? Nothing and everything.

I want to tell her something and I can’t. I want to talk to her about my day, my family, something I need advice on, but I can’t.

I go to work and put on a smile and do the best with what I have right now, then I come home and have nothing left to give. It’s exhausting, grief is. Yet sleep is not sweet. It’s not fair to my family, but this is me right now. I don’t want to stay in this spot. I hear it’s a journey, but it seems the road is ever winding and I’m lost.

People say things because they’re uncomfortable around me, and they mean well, I know they do. Words can’t and don’t help. Unless you’ve been through it, the loss of a parent, you don’t understand. It’s a club I don’t want to be in.

If you don’t know what to say, it’s ok to say that. Most times it’s ok to just give me a hug and tell me you’re praying. And then really pray! Pray for me and for others. I need His strength to get through this.

Many times I have argued that God DOES give me more than I can handle, because only then do I fully submit to Him. I surrender it all to Him when it’s more than I can carry. That’s how it’s supposed to be. I need Jesus. He doesn’t need me. I need Him.

Even though I know I will see my mom in Heaven, I still miss her. I grieve the loss of her physical presence here on earth. I am thankful for the hope we have in Christ, but it’s hard to be happy when I want to share it with her. I’m battling my flesh.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in Him.” Lamentations 3:24 ESV

Though he slay  me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face. Job 13:15 ESV

Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. John 14:1 ESV

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18 ESV

My joy is gone; grief is upon me; my heart is sick within me. Jeremiah 8:18 ESV

So, my heart is broken and I am sad. I don’t see an end in sight soon. This coming Sunday is my mom’s birthday. Next month we have our first Thanksgiving without her and then my mom and dad’s anniversary a few days after that. A year of firsts that will be hard. Jesus, help us. Guide and direct us. Heal our hearts.