Author Archives: Jen

The Man in the Red Suit

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I tried to coerce the older kids to have their picture taken with Santa, but they decided to wreak havoc skip out and walk the mall with friends. So Matthew and I were left alone, in a fairly short line, and he decided he didn’t want to see Santa alone. The vision of me squatting at the knee of Santa one year while holding Matthew in my arms pops into my head. I wasn’t dressed for the occasion, and I hate that picture! This can’t be happening again! So I did what every good mom would do. I begged and pleaded, gave him my sad face, and it worked. He marched right up there and sat down on Santa’s lap, and proceeded to tell him what is on his wish list. And a few other things that he hadn’t told me yet.

Now I love this Santa. He is the same man that Brooke sat on 14 years ago when she was a baby. It was the same man 2 years later when Zach was a baby. We have history. We go way back. I will cry if he retires before Matthew…ya know…finds out….

We won’t go there, not yet. He knows that we celebrate Christmas for Jesus birthday and not for Santa, but it’s just one of those magical things that I’m not ready to give up on yet.

Be Still-Part 2

Last month I hinted around at something that I wanted and it didn’t happen. The opportunity presented itself again, and I didn’t know what to do. I wrestled with God, and I had questions. Was I doing the right thing, or using my free will to do the wrong thing? I finally decided that God would close the door again if it wasn’t supposed to be. The IT, was a job at a school. There were lots of pros and cons on the list, and I was just uncertain. When it didn’t happen the first time around, I will be totally honest, my heart was broken. I was upset and confused, but I came to the place that I understood, it wasn’t meant to be. God closed that door for a reason, and I might not ever know the reason, but I will go on. So, when the postings came up again, there was inner turmoil. Turmoil because of what happened the last time, and a few other reasons too. But, like I said previously, I prayed about it and went out on a limb.

I had inner turmoil, and that’s when I knew I needed to be still. I wanted to interfere, but I didn’t. That was hard for me, an admitted control freak, but I stayed strong.

Our schools are way, WAY over budget. They proposed a referendum, a property tax increase for 7 years to help ease the budgetary problems. Most people in our community are feeling the down turn of the economy, reigning in spending, and leary of increased taxes. The referendum did not pass, therefore, the teaching assistant position that I interviewed for back in August and didn’t get, will be cut. The person who did get the job, a teacher who didn’t get a teaching position, but a teachers assistant, will be losing her job. It’s hitting home. God closed the door, and now He’s revealing why. He always knows.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I’m glad that I was able to listen and be still. I didn’t take control and mess things up. It would have been a hassle, an inconvenience that we just don’t need right now. So, it was hard, but He saved me from the really hard. Thank you Jesus for loving me and my flaws. You forgive me when I’m controlling and mess things up. Please continue to grow and change me.

On a sad note..

The final four goldfish that were won at the county fair have gone to Heaven. I was not a big fan, but Matthew was always so diligent about feeding them. I texted Zach and told him, who then passed the news on to Matthew. The text I received back said, “Matt says, that’s bacon!” Huh?? So maybe it’s not such a sad note, and he was tired of feeding them. He is a crazy kid. Always makes me smile!

God sends Servants

Welcome back to the Radical Read along, hosted by Marla.

Chapter 7
THERE IS NO PLAN B
Why going is urgent, not optional

I found chapter 7 to be a much easier read. My heart wasn’t quite as full of pain as the last few weeks. It all comes down to souls saved for our Savior. That is why we are here. To witness to others about Jesus. It’s hard for me to grasp the number 1.5 billion, but that’s how many unreached people are in the world. That’s 1.5 Billion, with a B. Almost every one of them dies without ever hearing the gospel. How does this happen? It happens when we say NO to Gods will. He tells us to share the good news, and we say no.

I say no when I don’t want to make someone uncomfortable. Won’t hell be uncomfortable?

I love the image David provides on page 156. God sends servants– His servants preach–People hear–Hearers believe–Believers call on His name–Everyone who calls is saved. The only breakdown in the plan is me. When I choose to stay quiet, people won’t hear, believe, or be saved.

“The injustice lies in Christians who possess the gospel and refuse to give their lives to making it known among those who haven’t heard. ” page 159

So with words and actions Jesus, help me to tell and show others about You. May I always glorify You. Thank you Jesus, for filling me with wisdom and knowledge, and for your infinite grace! Amen

Blindness was comfortable


Wow! David Platt knows where to hit and exactly how hard to punch.

Chapter 6- HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH? American wealth and a world of poverty

David talks about all of us having blind spots- areas that need to be discovered so we can fix them and live like Jesus calls us to. Most of the time, we don’t realize they exist, even when someone points them out to us. “Part of our sinful nature instinctively chooses to see what we want to see and to ignore what we want to ignore.” Pg 108

Mark 10:21 Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” Jesus saw the rich mans blind spot, and that was his love of possessions. So He called him out on it.
So, then, what if he told you and me to sell everything we have? What if he told us to sell our houses for simpler living arrangements? What if he told us to sell our cars for more modest ones- or for no cars at all? What if he told us to give away all but a couple of sets of clothes? What if he told us to empty the savings account we have been building for years if not decades? What if he told us to change our lifestyles completely? Pg 121
What if??

I’m thinking. We have a nice house, but I’ve been longing for a nicer one. I tell myself we NEED another bedroom so the boys don’t have to share. What I’m blind to is the blessing of a roof over our heads, running water, and heat in the winter. I am blessed. As a family we have two vehicles to drive. I have excess, and wants, and months where we are stretched. What do I do with that? I go on, blind to much. Where do I go from here? I’m still wrestling with that, so I’ll just leave you with a few quotes that I highlighted from chapter 6.

“I wonder at some points if I’m being irresponsible or unwise. But then I realize there is never going to come a day when I stand before God and he looks at me and says, `I wish you would have kept more for yourself.` I’m confident that God will take care of me.” Pg 123

“We sell them and give them away because Christ in us compels us to care for the needy around us.” Pg 126

“Why not begin operating under the idea that God has given us excess, not so we could have more, but so we could give more?” Pg 127

“The way we use our money is an indicator of our eternal destination.” Pg 138

This is me, still struggling. Wrestling with myself hopefully, and not Jesus. Trying to figure it all out.
For more insights on chapter 6, go visit Marla.

Purity

Today I promise I will wait
Agreeing to stay pure.
Because I know God loves me and
His blessing is in store.

Because I know there are some things that happen only once and value my own purity; I’m choosing abstinence.

My body is God’s temple and I want to keep it pure. A precious gift I’m giving to the one I’m waiting for.

So I will be reminded every time I wear this token. A three-strand chord entwined in love is never quickly broken.

Because I trust that Jesus has a special love for me. I choose to love and honor Him by waiting patiently.

This is taken from a bookmark that holds the purity ring. It says Cross gifts on it, and it is simply beautiful. The ring itself says “today, I will wait agreeing to stay pure because I know God loves me and His blessing is in store.”

My 14 year old daughter is on the receiving end of some fierce prayers right now. I honestly cannot believe what she is bombarded with on a daily basis. It brings me to tears, and on my knees seeking Jesus.

I am proud of her for sitting through our discussion on purity, and for her honesty in sharing what is happening in her school. IN HER SCHOOL!! I am proud of her and the statement she is making when she wears this ring. I love her so much. I want to shelter her and don’t know how, aside from locking her in the house. I pray that I am doing enough, and saying the right things, but she really thinks I just don’t get it. And she may be right. I don’t want to get it. It’s too difficult for me to think about it long enough to understand. So I’m asking you to pray. Pray for my daughter, your daughter, your granddaughter, neighbors daughter- just pray for the youth of today. Sons and daughters alike.

Weekend Re-cap

It’s tough to be a mom and have two kids doing different activities in different locations at the same time. Can someone just split me in half and put my heart back together?

Friday night Brooke danced at the JV football game and the boys raced. I’ve attended all the other football games to watch her dance, and missed the boys racing on those nights. This night was different in that Zach moved up out of the Restrictor class to the Open Wing class. Instead of racing with boys aged 10-16, he was now racing with 16++. My baby racing with grown men! I wanted to be there for that first time.

Brooke tells me they had their best performance ever, so YAY! I’m sad I missed it baby girl, but thank you for understanding. Matthew had an astounding night. He passed a few cars, and ended up finishing 5th in the feature. He is making great strides, and he’s only just turned 7, so I am so proud of him.

Zach moved up and qualified 3rd fast, won the heat race and won the feature. It was so awesome to see that smile back on his face, and to see these grown men coming up and praising him for doing so well. My heart swells! It was amazing.

Saturday brought another football game, this time Varsity played at Lucas Oil Stadium, and Brooke danced at pre-game. She was right, best performance ever. My baby girl is so beautiful all the time, but when she dances, she is absolutely radiant! I can’t take my eyes off of her to see what the whole group is doing. God has gifted her with dance. It DID NOT come from me.

I left the game early and rushed to Martinsville to see the boys race again. We had never been to this track, and don’t think we will ever go back. It was too small and sandy dirt, so they were sliding all over the place. Good experience for them, but not enjoyable.

Church yesterday was awesome! The sermon was about Abraham, and what to do when you don’t know what to do. One thing that still sticks in my mind is this…God doesn’t want you to follow a plan, He wants you to follow HIM!

The boys went to the woods after lunch, and Brooke and I spent some quiet time together, then we went to the grocery store. Busy weekend, and I don’t really feel like I accomplished much. I’m ready for the busy season to come to a close, and spend some time with my family at home.

Be still

I’m not a patient person. It’s not a virtue that abounds in me, but I do try to work on it. Mostly.

A couple of months ago I wanted something. I thought it was going to happen. The excitement was there, and then the nerves. I said “if it’s meant to be it will be, if not, God will close the door.” But I believed that He wasn’t going to close the door. Then He did. Closed it with a bang, and I was hurt. There were tears and questions, but I got over it and did believe again that it wasn’t supposed to happen for me. I moved on and was enjoying where I was.

Last week it came back up in the forefront of my life. The opportunity is there again, but this time I was leary. There were nerves that didn’t exist before. Should I want this when I’m happy? Am I supposed to do this?

I prayed about it, and enlisted prayer partners to ask Jesus to just give me an answer. A flashing neon sign if you will. After a few days of silence, I began to wonder if this was His answer. No answer means don’t go for it. Then I started thinking about free will. Is it me using free will if I went for it when I wasn’t supposed to? Because then He could just shut the door again, so it really wouldn’t be that bad. All of these thoughts were running through my head, and I started to over analyze all of them.

Talking with some people that I really respect helped me sort out my feelings, so I went for it. Now I’m waiting. Not so patiently. Actually, this morning I was going to talk to someone and see if I could find anything out, but as I was thinking about it, His voice whispered in my ear to Be Still. So I listened, and I was still. So, this is me, blogging it out, as patiently as I can.

I don’t want to give more information yet, but I promise I will either way when I find out. It’s a story where it makes me uncomfortable, but God might be choosing to stretch me and use me. We’ll see.

Now is not a good time

Chapter 4 of the Radical read along, and let me just be really honest here…I want to quit. So badly. I just want to lay this book down and not think of it again, because it makes me feel broken, lost, confused, and convicted. I don’t like feeling this way. Guilty too, I almost forgot the guilt. I keep waiting for a happy chapter. One filled with how much God loves me and appreciates what I’m doing. Or just how He loves me even when I’m not doing anything to grow His kingdom, but just sailing along on my own, taking care of things.

That’s how I was living before this book changed my perspective. Every chapter is tough. They make me want to change myself, and the world around me. But how? I’m just me and now is really not a good time. See, I’m one of those people that has supported missionaries, but thought “that’s not for me.” Surely God doesn’t want me to go to the ends of the earth when my family is here…and comfortable. Maybe when the kids are grown I’ll be able to travel to the less fortunate and serve in some way. Maybe.

Jesus called us to make disciples of all nations in Matthew 28. Am I saying no? How can I? Really, how can I say no to Jesus, and how can I make disciples of all the nations? Sadly, saying no has become way too easy. Making disciples can only be accomplished by humbling myself, confessing my weakness, and accepting God’s grace. Only by the GRACE of God!

“He created human beings, not only to enjoy his grace in a relationship with him, but also to extend his glory to the ends of the earth.” (pg 65) The great why of God deals with a global purpose. It’s not just my neck of the woods. Global.

“God blesses his people with extravagant grace so they might extend his extravagant glory to all peoples on the earth.” (pg 69) How great is that? He blesses me with his grace, so I can share his glory with the world. Be a disciple, and share his glory. He blesses me, and I choose to extend that to others, not just ignore it and go on about my life. That’s good. And scary too. It’s making me step outside of my box of comfort, and take a hard look at myself.

I don’t like what I’m seeing, so I’m praying. God is working on me, and I’m trying not to say no anymore. Refine me Lord. Use me. Thank you.

The end of me

Radical-chapter 3

The American Dream says we can accomplish anything we set our minds to. High paying career, fancy house, model kids, and happiness are at our fingertips if we believe in ourselves. The gospel actually calls us to die to ourselves and believe in God. We can do nothing apart from God!
“The American dream has a goal to make much of us, whereas the goal of the gospel is to make much of God.” We live in a me world, self-centered, self-pleasing, egotistical, sin filled world. Would it be this way if we were seeking God more? God actually “delights in exalting our inability. He intentionally puts his people in situations where they come face to face with their need for him.” (pg 47) Wow! I admit that often times when He places me in those situations, I choose the wrong response. It’s that free will that gets me every time, and that goes right back to the center of me. I over analyze and make things all about me, trying to see all sides of any given situation, and take God out of the picture completely. I’m making Him small, and myself big. O Jesus, please forgive me! I don’t give You credit, nor do I seek You for wisdom. I’ve had seasons of spirit filled days, and then walked away when the going got rough. When I should’ve sought You harder.
David talks about the book of Acts, and how the church is different from modern day churches. Acts 1:14 tells us how they were joined together constantly in prayer. Instead of relying on themselves, they were pleading for the power of God, knowing that they can do nothing without His provision. Acts 4:13 says “when they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were astonished and they took note that these men had been with Jesus.” (pg. 51) Did you catch that? They took note that they had been with Jesus. I want people to hear me talk and know that I have been with Jesus!! How can I do that? By being in His Word daily, a healthy prayer life, expressing my need for Him daily, and letting the Holy Spirit and His power reside in me.
“God, I know you are busy running the universe and keeping all of creation alive, but I have this problem in my life. And, God, I don’t really want comfort for the moment, and I don’t really want guidance for the moment. Would you… would you just come down, live in me, and walk through this for me?”(pg 58)
He gives us all the power we need to accomplish anything in this Kingdom. I want to desperately seek Him for that power, and use it to glorify Him. So this is the end of me as I know it. Changes need to happen in me and my heart, and they need to be radical. I’m listening God. Show me the way. I am Yours to do with what You want. Use me. Even as I type this, satan is whispering in my ear, telling me I am not strong enough. My weaknesses are too great. But that’s OK satan, I don’t have to be strong enough by myself. I have Jesus, ready to give me His power. The same power that is victorious over you.
To read more about Radical, visit Marla.