Loss and Grief

Dictionary.com describes grief like this: 1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. 2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

I can’t put words together to describe my feelings most of the time. This post won’t make sense to anyone probably, but I have to get it out of my head.

My mom died August 6th. Seven weeks ago I lost my mom. My dad is alone, and I don’t have a mom.

It’s a physical pain. A numbness. Always with me, sometimes it washes over me like a wave, and others it sticks on me. A heaviness in my heart and chest that leads to the ugly cry that leaves me in a heap.

What triggers it? Nothing and everything.

I want to tell her something and I can’t. I want to talk to her about my day, my family, something I need advice on, but I can’t.

I go to work and put on a smile and do the best with what I have right now, then I come home and have nothing left to give. It’s exhausting, grief is. Yet sleep is not sweet. It’s not fair to my family, but this is me right now. I don’t want to stay in this spot. I hear it’s a journey, but it seems the road is ever winding and I’m lost.

People say things because they’re uncomfortable around me, and they mean well, I know they do. Words can’t and don’t help. Unless you’ve been through it, the loss of a parent, you don’t understand. It’s a club I don’t want to be in.

If you don’t know what to say, it’s ok to say that. Most times it’s ok to just give me a hug and tell me you’re praying. And then really pray! Pray for me and for others. I need His strength to get through this.

Many times I have argued that God DOES give me more than I can handle, because only then do I fully submit to Him. I surrender it all to Him when it’s more than I can carry. That’s how it’s supposed to be. I need Jesus. He doesn’t need me. I need Him.

Even though I know I will see my mom in Heaven, I still miss her. I grieve the loss of her physical presence here on earth. I am thankful for the hope we have in Christ, but it’s hard to be happy when I want to share it with her. I’m battling my flesh.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in Him.” Lamentations 3:24 ESV

Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face. Job 13:15 ESV

Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. John 14:1 ESV

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18 ESV

My joy is gone; grief is upon me; my heart is sick within me. Jeremiah 8:18 ESV

So, my heart is broken and I am sad. I don’t see an end in sight soon. This coming Sunday is my mom’s birthday. Next month we have our first Thanksgiving without her and then my mom and dad’s anniversary a few days after that. A year of firsts that will be hard. Jesus, help us. Guide and direct us. Heal our hearts.

Midnight Special

Midnight Special releases tomorrow and I have two free movie tickets to give away. This movie looks thrilling and is being compared to Steven Spielberg’s Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

How far will a mom and dad go to protect their child when he doesn’t fit into the “normal” mold?

Comment here to win two free movie tickets!

VeggieTales-Noah’s Ark

I just finished watching this sweet video. A flood of emotions comes at the opening song as I remember my son laying across his bed with his feet in the air, singing those same words. Ahhh, where does the time go?

This video will be released tomorrow, and I have a copy to giveaway! You won’t want to miss this movie. Just leave a comment and subscribe to the blog and a random winner will be picked on Thursday!

Noah’s Ark-a Lesson in Trusting God

Shem (Wayne Brady) and his new wife Sadie are fresh off their honeymoon, making all kinds of plans when they return to find Noah building an Ark. Shem is upset because the Ark is sitting where he was going to build his house and start his life.

Reluctantly, Shem begins to work on the Ark, and when the rains come, he prepares himself for a short distraction of his plans. But those weren’t God’s plans. Shem sings-Your plans are in my way, I’ve got plans!

Noah encourages Shem to trust in God and He will see us through, but again, Shem takes over and devises a plan B so he can be in control of his own destiny. God showed Shem in the end that His plans are good. Shem’s plans left him alone, adrift and afraid.

Does any of that resonate with you? What area have you taken the reins from God and pushed His plans aside?

God’s plans are much better than our own.

Be Still

“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

It’s so hard for me. I guess it’s a control thing.

I’m ashamed to even say that.

Life is hard. It’s not supposed to be easy.

I’m walking through a valley right now. It seems dark and mired with mud and sludge.

My Comforter says Be Still. Be still and know that He is God.

He is God and I am not.

He’s got it. Whatever it is.

He’s got my fears and yours.

God, I thank you for your peace. I thank you for your strength and love. Thank you for loving me so much. I don’t want to be in control. Please forgive me for taking the wheel and going my own ways. Help me to surrender fully to you, and show me areas that I’m still holding on to. Fill me with your mercy. So many are hurting now. SO many need you. Lord, come. We need you. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Do You Believe?

Last Thursday I had the honor of going to see a screening of Do You Believe? with my good friend Angi. Angi and I have walked through some stuff, and we’re still here to talk about it!

Maybe you’ve heard of the powerful film that hit theaters last year called God’s Not Dead? Yeah, I thought so! Ever since Pure Flix released that blockbuster, they’ve been asked what’s next. This is it.

Click here to watch the Official Trailer

Here’s what the creators have to say about it. “A dozen different souls—all moving in different directions, all longing for something more. As their lives unexpectedly intersect, they each are about to discover there is power in the Cross of Christ … even if they don’t believe it. Yet.

When a local pastor is shaken to the core by the visible faith of an old street-corner preacher, he is reminded that true belief always requires action. His response ignites a faith-fueled journey that powerfully impacts everyone it touches in ways that only God could orchestrate.”

Malachi carries the cross through the streets, facing thugs and preaching Jesus’ love. He’s a lot like Peter. Aren’t we all called to do this? Only those who take up the cross and follow Him will be transformed!

With an all star cast of Sean Astin, Mira Sorvino, Alexa PenaVega, Ted McGinley, Cybill Shepherd, Lee Majors, Andrea Logan White, Delroy Lindo, Madison Pettis, Brian Bosworth, Liam Matthews, and Tracy Lindsey Melchior, the creators take you on a journey and show you how God weaves His story throughout lives. Another attendee spoke of His tapestry. Can’t you see it?

You really get to know the characters, and to be honest, I didn’t care for two of them. They were blatantly anti Christian, and I just couldn’t relate. Remember the mean professor in God’s Not Dead? Exactly like him.

The story deals with the struggle of living out our faith, especially to people like that, because they need Him the most. It touches on our human nature to just do what is comfortable, when God calls us outside of our comfort zone. There were moments I was pleading with the actors, surprises, action, and tears. Thankfully Angi had tissues in her bag! I was unprepared…

When the credits rolled, we were introduced to Liam Matthews who played Bobby in the movie. He came down in front of the theater and answered questions. It was the first time he had seen the film in its entirety, and he enjoyed seeing our reactions. This movie will have you gripping the armrest of your seat.

I highly recommend you take everyone you know to see this movie on March 20th when it opens. Make it bigger than Fifty Shades!

Strange little side note abut that movie-As we were waiting to be seated, I noticed three theaters of the 14 were showing that movie. When were walking into our theater, the flashing lights above us said it would be seating for Fifty in 150 minutes. Angi and I looked at each other, and she voiced to me she hoped no one saw us walking in there. Yeah!

Before we all filed out of the movie, we had the opportunity to stand and pray for the Do You Believe? movie, and for the people that would fill the theater after us. There is power in prayer!

I will leave you with a question from the movie that I’m still asking myself. If you were accused of being a Christian, would there be enough evidence to convict you?

March 20th–GO SEE IT.

The Conjuring

“And whenever the impure spirits saw him, they fell down before him and cried out, “You are the Son of God.” – Mark 3:11 “It’s not every day a truly scary movie comes along with strong theme about the power of God – but THE CONJURING is exactly that kind of film. Does evil exist? Are demons real? Can they possess people? Who is strong enough to defeat them? These are the questions raised by this thriller directed by James Wan (SAW, INSIDIOUS). A family moves into a farmhouse in Rhode Island and finds themselves terrorized by the supernatural. With the help of Ed and Lorraine Warren, they must rely on God to help them fight and exorcise the evil that has entered their lives. THE CONJURING was intended by screenwriters Chad and Carey Hayes as a movie where “God wins.” “That was a non-negotiable for us,” Carey said. “We’re never going to glorify evil.” Added Chad: “We want people to feel great after seeing it. To be scared and entertained, of course, but to walk out of the theater with a good feeling because good, God, is victorious.”

When I received the invite for the pre-screening, I mentioned it to my husband and was ready to delete the email. I don’t do scary movies. When I was younger, yes. Stuff like that didn’t bother me.

I couldn’t even watch the entire movie trailer without closing my eyes and looking away! Why would I want to torture myself?

My world was rocked when my husband said he would like to see the movie.

Have I subjected him to multiple viewings of Hope Floats and Steel Magnolias? Yes!

Maybe I should take one for the team and plan on a date night.

So I started doing a little research. The movie is based on a true story about the Perron family, and the horrors they experienced after moving into their new home in 1973. Paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren were asked to help the family rid themselves of the dark, malevolent forces that were terrorizing their secluded farmhouse. When Ed and Lorraine Warren visit the farmhouse to help the Perron’s they find themselves caught up in the most terrifying case of their lives.

“There is no conceivable way to condense what we as a family endured in the farmhouse into a two-hour motion picture but James (Wan) captured the essence of it and for this I will remain eternally grateful. There are liberties taken and a few discrepancies but overall, it is what it claims to be — based on a true story, believe it or not .” Andrea Perron

I had to admit the story intrigued me, so I took one for the team and we went to the movie. As Brian sat eating his butter drenched popcorn, I listened in on the conversations around me. The guy next to me said his brother saw it the day before and thought it was the scariest movie he’d seen in a while. The girl in front said she had heard the only reason it was rated R was for the terror. There was none of the nudity, cursing, or graphic bloody violence that is normally associated with horror films. She was right on most of those. I heard the Lord’s name taken in vain on two or three occasions, and really felt like that didn’t need to be there. It was refreshing to not have the F-bomb flying though.

The Conjuring began and I was immediately scared. There really wasn’t a dull moment in the movie. Most of it was intensely terrifying.

I had goose bumps.

I jumped and screamed…multiple times.

I honestly was so scared at one point that I was crying.

Brian said I broke his thumb when I was squeezing his hand. He also said it “was the scariest movie I’ve ever seen.”

From beginning to end, this movie has you on the edge of your seat waiting to see what will happen next. If you love scary movies, you should run out and see this movie. If the paranormal intrigues you, go see this movie. If you are a chicken like me but know your husband wants to see this movie, go see this movie. Everyone should see this movie.

Except for my nine year old. He wouldn’t sleep in his own bed for months if he saw this movie. Everyone else, go see The Conjuring.

The loss of a child

When I heard the sound of my dad’s voice, I knew something was wrong. I didn’t expect what was coming.

The unthinkable happened. Tragedy struck my cousin and his family.
Heaven gained another angel, in the form of an eight year old boy.

Dad was calling to ask me to pray, and I knew that’s what I needed to do. I opened my mouth and nothing came out. There was such a jumble of emotions overwhelming me, and all I could think was Jesus help. Jesus, help!

I believe the Holy Spirit can decipher the groans of my heart. There have been other times when I had no words. He’s always heard me.

Psalm 38:8 I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.

He gave me a little peace and I was able to put a call out to my prayer warrior friends. They astound me with their love and willingness to drop everything and take my request to the Lord. When I knew that my extended family was being covered in prayer, I was able to sit down and talk to Jesus.

While I can’t even begin to understand why this radiant little boy had to leave his family so soon, I have to trust that He has a plan, even in this. His plans are far greater than mine.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My heart won’t let my mind go there because it’s just too painful to imagine. I can’t fathom the pain they are feeling, and all I can do is pray. Will you pray for them too?

Jesus, help.

A week ago I wrote this.

I was feeling optimistic and hopeful, but I’m still waiting on some blanks to be filled in. Questions that weigh heavily on me, and will possibly change the outcome. I’m still not certain as to which way I want to go, fully knowing it’s not up to me anyway.

In cases like this, where I have no control, it’s easy for me to feel defeated and discouraged. I could very easily sit and have worrisome thoughts all day long, pondering the what ifs. I can choose to listen to the lies of satan, or listen to God’s promises. Psalm 91:4 He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

When I feel myself slipping, and it’s a very slippery slope, all I can do is pray.

I don’t want to carry worry, it’s not my cross to bear.

I don’t want to carry defeat. Jesus gave me victory when He withstood a horrific beating and was hung on the cross. I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him. Psalm 62:1

When I start to worry or have the desire to control the situation, I just turn to Him and repent. Jesus, I’m so sorry I keep picking up worry and trying to control situations and outcomes. I know that You have a plan, and You are in control. Honestly, I don’t want that pressure, and I’m thankful that You are willing to walk me through all this. Please forgive me, Lord, and guide me in Your ways. Take my thoughts captive and fill me with Your love and joy. Amen

Last night I simply gave the situation over to Him. I asked Him to take it from my hands and mind, and help me to trust in His ways.

Truthfully, I don’t have control over much of anything in this life. When I think about the presidential election coming up, it would be easy to be disheartened that I don’t want either one of the two running our country. The current state of the world is extremely frightening if I choose to dwell on it. I don’t want to be politically correct. I want to be biblically correct.

I choose to trust in Jesus daily, most days multiple times a day. I see the bad and give it up.

It’s a choice. If I carried the bad with me, my heart would change for the bad.

How do you handle worry and stress?

I’m linking up again for Just Write.

A spirit of fear

Life happens, and that’s a good thing. We should be thankful for that because it’s not a guarantee that we will wake up in the morning.

Life often times gets messy, and that makes it harder to be thankful. But that is when we should be the most thankful.

It’s hard to learn, but I’m getting there. Looking at my surroundings and being thankful, even in the mess and trials.

I’m not really a worry filled person, but I do struggle with fear, and I’m confessing that to you now for a reason. Fear does NOT come from the Lord. He did not equip me with a spirit of fear, in fact He equipped me to be a warrior for Him. His word tells me over 365 times not to fear! I’m not a mathematician, but that’s once for every day of the year. So really, I shouldn’t fear.

I’ve been praying about something for a while now, and nothing has happened with that prayer. I was ok with that, because sometimes God says it’s just not the right time. Sometimes He says wait. My favorite is when He tells me to Be Still and wait.

Yeah, I’m a control freak, and He’s working on that with me.

Anyway, the other day I was talking to my daughter about this prayer, and telling her I wasn’t sure what to be praying for, so I just placed it totally in His hands. Then I asked Him for a sign.

A couple of hours later I received an email, and that was my sign. Seriously, He gave me a sign, and it was a direct answer to the prayer.

Was I happy? Or filled with fear of the what ifs?

Fear

I carried it with me for three days before I thought to myself, “give it up!” So I did, and today I’ve felt ok about it. I’ve had a long talk with my very supportive and encouraging husband, and I feel good about what may come.

There’s still so many unknowns involved, and questions to be answered, but I am not going to walk in fear any more.

What makes you walk in fear?

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Isaiah 11:2 And the Spirit of the LORD will rest on him—
the Spirit of wisdom and understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and might,
the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD.

I’m linking up today with several wonderful writers over at The Extraordinary Ordinary- Just Write

My Inner Woman, My Creative Heart

I ran across a notebook from Blissdom as I was cleaning the bedroom, and wanted to share what I wrote in one of the breakout sessions. The session was Fierce living from your Creative Heart. This was a tear filled session that really made me think. Here’s what I wrote.

What does my creative heart need and want in 2012?

My creative heart seeks peace, and to be fully present in each moment. I need love and acceptance from those around me and to be around others like me, who GET me. I feel like my heart is telling me to share my story. The ugly and the unique. I want the courage to do that, and I really want to build a community that we can help each other. Encourage!

My inner woman who lives inside of my creative heart wants me to know it will be ok. Trust in the plans He has for me and lean on Him to lead me through the journey. Trials will strengthen and refine me. I will come out a changed woman. A woman with a story to share. A woman who is better in ways I never imagined. A woman who is stronger than I ever knew possible. A woman who knows love and is overflowing with gratitude for the journey that sparked the change.

Six word memoirs

Having courage to tell my story.
Full of hope and yet afraid.
Can I do this? Will I?
Faithful yet timid. Desiring all strength.
Embracing life, choosing joy and love.

What is your inner self saying? Share with me?

jenprays

Praying my way through life