Tag Archives: rants

Finally

Today was the first day of Christmas vacation.  I’ve been looking forward to this day for a few weeks now, but I spent it moving furniture and shampooing carpets.  We had some new furniture delivered, and I’m sitting in the most comfortable chair right now, I could almost go to sleep.  My house is still in disarray, but this room is peaceful.  I don’t want to leave it. 

I can’t believe Christmas is in 4 days.  I haven’t wrapped any presents yet, so I feel an all nighter on Christmas Eve coming on.  I hate to wrap presents because it seems like such a waste!  Matthew is really excited this year about Santa, and we’ve been reading about the manger in several stories at bedtime.  He has his own nativity set to play with, and I think he is understanding even more.  We’ve been trying to do the Advent readings, but with all of us not home at the same time, it’s been more of a challenge than I’d like. 

I’m tired so signing off for now.

Christmas invites

One more example of bad perfectionism. 

I was asked to make 90 invitations to a Christmas open house where my daughter dances.  When asked, I was buttered up with, “I looked at some stores, but thought you could do something nice and crafty.”  OK, no pressure.  For literally 2 days I worked on those things.  It took me awhile, (techie challenged), to copy and paste the text onto a page, and figure out what size, what graphics, etc.  Then I couldn’t print them out on plain paper, so I copied/scanned some Christmas paper that I had laying around.  Then I needed to print those off first.  I ran out of colored ink very quickly.  At one point I said something like “it would have been easier to just go to my friendly UPS store and have them do this for me”, but I didn’t listen.  I finally got them printed, and this was the same day as the crash, so I was stressed anyway.  Once printed, I needed to EMBELLISH.  Don’t you just love that word?  I thought I did better this year, because I didn’t put much emphasis on every invite being different from the others.  I had 5 or 6 different scanned papers, and a big Christmas tree die cut on each one.  I alternated, and half of them had the tree on the front, and the other half had the tree on the inside.  The ones with the trees on the inside had stickers or something on the outside.  Did I say I worked on these mostly all day?  Then I went to get some more printer ink, stickers, glitter glue, rubber stamps…… and came home, put the kids in bed at 9:00, and sat back down to finish.  I did that at 4:46 AM.  Wow, I was tired when I got up at 6:30, after hitting the snooze button 3 times!  I had laid them out for the glue to dry, and decided that the ones without a tree on the front looked too plain.  So 4 hours later, I had them finished again, with even more glitter glue.  Why do I do this to myself?  A simple project turned into a nightmare!  But they were reeeaaallllyyyy  CUTE! 

Perfectionism

I’ve never really thought of myself as a perfectionist, but recently learned that it’s true.  I guess I alway thought it was a good thing, and a perfectionist was organized and put together in all aspect of life.  And some are, just not me.  See, I suffer from perfectionism.  It’s not a good thing.  I can take one small task, and blow it up to Titanic size, then stress over it while making it worse.  One example would be this organizing frenzy I’ve been on.  I got started with Flylady, and absolutely loved it.  She helped me to get my kitchen cleaned out and semi organized, (I say that because I just last weekend went back through the panty, cleaned and labeled shelves.)and has given me some great tips.  That’s also where I’ve self diagnosed myself as a perfectionist.  It’s very hard for me to start a task, because the pre planning is overwhelming.  I need to map it out on paper or in my head until completion, because when I start to work on it, I won’t stop until it’s finished.  No wonder I get overwhelmed!  So I’ve been trying to stick with her program, and develop routines, and only do  a task for 10 to 15 minutes, and for the most part it has worked.  I have slowed down because of all the Christmas things that need done, and also because my to do list just keeps growing, but basically have a routine.  I just think I need to change it a little from what she says.  Flylady has a Monday Home Blessing hour, where she vacuums and does her housework.  You can only do the task for 10 minutes, and then you have to go on to the next.  Well, I can’t vacuum in 10 minutes, nor can I change bed linens on 4 beds in that amount of time.  She also has zone work, which is great.  I’m going to tweak the plan somewhat and develop days specifically for kids rooms, bathrooms, kitchen, LR/FR, and the such, and do those every week.  I’m spending too much time looking for emails from Fly to tell me what to do.  I still want to do her challenges and Zone work, and she’s taught me a bunch.  So, Thanks Fly lady!  I’ll let you know how it goes, but the thought of it is overwhelming right now.  I need to make a list, and rework it, then put it into Excel, and change it 3 or 8 times, then print and laminate and place in my binder.  Perfectionist?  HA!

Stranded

Today I felt so small and inadequate.  It was the worst feeling.  As Brooke, Matthew and I were leaving for church this morning, the car was  slow to start.  I thought at that time that I needed to get a new battery, so we wouldn’t be stranded.  Helpless.  And then it happened.  We came out of church, and were talking to Matthew about his class, and as I turned the key we heard nothing but a click. In that instant, it is amazing how many thoughts can run through your mind.  Matthew was telling me I needed to look under the hood, and Brooke was starving and concerned about getting Arby’s for lunch.  Brian and Zach were gone, so I knew I couldn’t call them.  Luckily, we were at church, and lots of people wanted to help.  Two guys went into the church barn and looked for some jumper cables, with no success.  One of them said he would run and buy some, and his wife offered that they would drive us home.  I ended up callng my father in law, he came, and within minutes we were running.  (Straight to the auto parts store!)  I don’t ever want to be in that position ever again.  Not only did I buy a new battery, but also a battery charger.  I guess it’s like jumper cables but you don’t have to hook up to another battery.  Self sufficient!  That’s what I like. 

A different experience

There’s something that’s been bothering me since Sunday. I just need to get it out, and I have prayed about it, but I also want your oppinion. Let me start off by giving a little family background. My maternal grandparents took me to church when I was a kid, and I was baptized around age 9 I think. My mom would attend sometimes. During my teen years I went to a much smaller church with my best friend. We were active in the youth group there. I went off to college and strayed away from church. (There are two branches to this tree, so bear with me please. ) The first branch is my husband. I actually met Brian at college. I shared an apartment with two friends, one who left me way too soon! Love ya Stace!! Brian also had an apartment two doors down. It was my first year, and his last. He graduated and went to Purdue for two more years. I finished college and moved back home to start my nursing career. I was working crazy hours, and church never seemed to fit into my schedule. Brian proposed on Christmas day, and we were married in July after he graduated. We didn’t have a church, so we picked one that was about halfway for both our families to drive to. We met with the pastor, and had one session of pre-marital counseling. It was really good. We later received a phone call that the pastor had left, no details, but if we wanted to get married, we needed to provide a pastor, or take their fill in. We chose my uncle, and he flew in and performed a beautiful ceremony.

Skip forward about 8 years. This is the second branch, and it involves my dad. I don’t recall him ever attending church when I was little. My mom’s dad told him he had to be baptized to marry my mom, so he did that, but wasn’t much of a follower. He believed in God, but wasn’t living it. Long story short, I wish you could meet him and hear his testimony. He is filled with the Holy Spirit, and it flows out of him when he speaks. Dad was at a low place, and he cried out to Jesus, and instantly dad felt His presence. From that moment on, he has been an inspiration to me and many others. So Brian and I started taking the kids to church. A really big church, where it is easy to get lost in the crowd. I joined a small group for a bible study, but Brian wouldn’t go because it’s not his thing. He was baptized 4 years ago, on the same day as his brother.

This is where the story gets hard. I feel like just attending church on Sunday is not enough, and he has a different view. I have tried many times to initiate a bible study with him, and failed. I pray for him, and I try to be the good example for him, but it seems like everywhere else he goes, there is more darkness than light. He is in a constant struggle in the sand, and it is very hard for us both. Well racing has taken quite a few of our weekends, and church attendance has not been up to par. This past Sunday was the first time we had been in 3 weeks, I think. The sermon series is on the “one anothers” in the bible. Love one another, forgive one another, be compassionate to one another, and this week was about Colossians 3:16. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. So we sang, we praised, and we worshipped for the whole hour. It was amazing, and I could feel His presence with us. It was powerful and moving. I could not stand still. Deep down I knew that the only One who hears me singing and thinks it is a joyful sound is the Lord, but it didn’t matter. I just can’t describe to you how great it was! Now, Brian was standing right next to me, but the only time I really noticed him was when I heard his big sighs. I was filled with joy and gratitude. My feeling lasted until later that night when I was trying to talk to Brian about it. I wanted to know if he felt it too. I was disappointed to hear that he had a different experience. He doesn’t like to sing, and was bothered that it lasted the whole hour. He was irritated that he didn’t see the pastor, and so self focused that his back and feet were hurting. I know that the experience was different because my heart and eyes are open, and his aren’t. That doesn’t make it any easier. My dad has told me that I can’t push Brian, he has to come to it on his own, and that is so hard. I wanted to tell him that God was in that place, and maybe if he wasn’t so self absorbed in his own thoughts, he would have noticed. I just keep praying for him to open his heart, and for the Holy Spirit to fill him with such force that he knows what an awesome gift we’ve been given. I know I can only continue to pray, and I will, because I love him, and want him to be the spiritual head of our household. If anyone has any suggestions, or could just pray for Brian as well, I would greatly appreciate it.

One of those…

I am having one of those days. You moms know what I mean, but I will elaborate anyway in hopes that I will feel better when I get it off my chest. OK, yesterday was the first day of school. That itself has me out of sorts. My daughter started middle school, ugh, and my oldest son third grade. They are in different schools. She has to be at school at 7:30 am, and he has to be there at 8:45 am. At 12:30 I had to take my hubby to the airport, and I will pick him up again Friday night. (He is in Texas enjoying the tropical storm.) So at 1:30 pm, I had dropped 3 of my loved ones off at different locations, and explained to my 3 year old at least 30 times why daddy would not be “right back.” I was going by the middle school, which by the way, our house is a mere 3 miles from, and on the same road, but they are widening the road and it is closed right before the school, so we have to enjoy a detour four times a day. I digress…anyway, driving by and thinking it’s almost time to pick her up. Do I really want to detour to get home for 30 minutes, and detour back? We opted to sit in the parking lot and watch the newest installment of Veggietales. The chill time was needed by both of us. My daughter had a great day in middle school, and I hope she continues to enjoy it. Third grade was “good” for Zach too. It’s funny, Brooke told me every little incident about her day, and Zach says “good” and that’s all I get. I tried asking him questions, and he was a good sport for a few of them, and then he grew tired of it. We came home, and then ran Brooke to dance, ran to McD’s for the boys, home to eat, back to dance to video tape choreography, back home, back to dance to video and pick Brooke up, back home and finally to bed. We started over again this morning, but I did have a wonderful friend take Zach to school. He had hesitations at first, but he doesn’t really like change. He informed me when I picked him up that he wanted to ride with Andrew all the time. I don’t feel like super mom, and I don’t feel the love right now!

I am such a home body, and I cherish the time that we have together with nowhere we need to go. Tonight was one of those nights. I was so excited, and ready to snuggle up with the kiddos and read, watch TV, and have fun. I’ll start with the disclaimer that those were pretty wide hopes for 3 tired kiddos. The boys had pent up energy and were wrestling around. Both ended up in tears and I was ready to pull my hair out. Brooke was whining, she wants a laptop for Christmas, but she wants it now…she doesn’t want to eat leftovers…she wants a computer for her room and she will be happy…whine..whine..whine.. The boys have one of those nerf dart guns, and Zach thought he would shoot Brooke, and she would stop annoying him. Then Matthew took the gun from Zach, and he was going to shoot her while Zach held her. Brooke pushed Zach away, he ran over to her and punched her, hard, and started to scream at her as he ran away. It was at this point, 7:45 pm, that I had reached my limit. I asked Zach to go to bed, as he had been warned already. He is immediately repentant and refuses to go upstairs until Brooke has to as well. Brooke goes, but I spend the next 45 minutes asking Zach to please stop talking and go to bed. He just wanted to talk…He was sorry..I am a dumbo…he’s gonna get Brooke, it’s all her fault.. I start taking privileges away..he tells me to shut up..this is not going well..he takes his glasses off and throws them to the floor..they are broken..my hubby calls me back and I don’t want to immediately go off on him so I ask how the meetings are going. No real answer, and I am trying not to complain that he was supposed to call me around lunch time and didn’t, when he tells me his phone is about to die. And it does…

That is the day I am having. I know some of you can relate, and I sypathize with you. I am feeling your pain right now.
I pray for all the moms out there, Lord, I just ask that you bless us with your favor, and fill us with the Holy Spirit. Forgive our sins and help us to start clean with You every day. Our mercies are new with You every morning, and I am so thankful. You give me strength when I am weak, refresh me when I am tired. Please help me to use the opportunities that You give me, so that I grow in You, and teach those around me as well. Help me to lead my children into Your light, and train them in Your ways. Thank You for the peace given to me.