Tag Archives: grief

Loss and Grief

Dictionary.com describes grief like this:  1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. 2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

I can’t put words together to describe my feelings most of the time. This post won’t make sense to anyone probably, but I have to get it out of my head.

My mom died August 6th. Seven weeks ago I lost my mom. My dad is alone, and I don’t have a mom.

It’s a physical pain. A numbness. Always with me, sometimes it washes over me like a wave, and others it sticks on me. A heaviness in my heart and chest that leads to the ugly cry that leaves me in a heap.

What triggers it? Nothing and everything.

I want to tell her something and I can’t. I want to talk to her about my day, my family, something I need advice on, but I can’t.

I go to work and put on a smile and do the best with what I have right now, then I come home and have nothing left to give. It’s exhausting, grief is. Yet sleep is not sweet. It’s not fair to my family, but this is me right now. I don’t want to stay in this spot. I hear it’s a journey, but it seems the road is ever winding and I’m lost.

People say things because they’re uncomfortable around me, and they mean well, I know they do. Words can’t and don’t help. Unless you’ve been through it, the loss of a parent, you don’t understand. It’s a club I don’t want to be in.

If you don’t know what to say, it’s ok to say that. Most times it’s ok to just give me a hug and tell me you’re praying. And then really pray! Pray for me and for others. I need His strength to get through this.

Many times I have argued that God DOES give me more than I can handle, because only then do I fully submit to Him. I surrender it all to Him when it’s more than I can carry. That’s how it’s supposed to be. I need Jesus. He doesn’t need me. I need Him.

Even though I know I will see my mom in Heaven, I still miss her. I grieve the loss of her physical presence here on earth. I am thankful for the hope we have in Christ, but it’s hard to be happy when I want to share it with her. I’m battling my flesh.

The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in Him.” Lamentations 3:24 ESV

Though he slay  me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face. Job 13:15 ESV

Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. John 14:1 ESV

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18 ESV

My joy is gone; grief is upon me; my heart is sick within me. Jeremiah 8:18 ESV

So, my heart is broken and I am sad. I don’t see an end in sight soon. This coming Sunday is my mom’s birthday. Next month we have our first Thanksgiving without her and then my mom and dad’s anniversary a few days after that. A year of firsts that will be hard. Jesus, help us. Guide and direct us. Heal our hearts.

The loss of a child

When I heard the sound of my dad’s voice, I knew something was wrong. I didn’t expect what was coming.

The unthinkable happened. Tragedy struck my cousin and his family.
Heaven gained another angel, in the form of an eight year old boy.

Dad was calling to ask me to pray, and I knew that’s what I needed to do. I opened my mouth and nothing came out. There was such a jumble of emotions overwhelming me, and all I could think was Jesus help. Jesus, help!

I believe the Holy Spirit can decipher the groans of my heart. There have been other times when I had no words. He’s always heard me.

Psalm 38:8 I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.

He gave me a little peace and I was able to put a call out to my prayer warrior friends. They astound me with their love and willingness to drop everything and take my request to the Lord. When I knew that my extended family was being covered in prayer, I was able to sit down and talk to Jesus.

While I can’t even begin to understand why this radiant little boy had to leave his family so soon, I have to trust that He has a plan, even in this. His plans are far greater than mine.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My heart won’t let my mind go there because it’s just too painful to imagine. I can’t fathom the pain they are feeling, and all I can do is pray. Will you pray for them too?

Jesus, help.