I’m not a patient person. It’s not a virtue that abounds in me, but I do try to work on it. Mostly.
A couple of months ago I wanted something. I thought it was going to happen. The excitement was there, and then the nerves. I said “if it’s meant to be it will be, if not, God will close the door.” But I believed that He wasn’t going to close the door. Then He did. Closed it with a bang, and I was hurt. There were tears and questions, but I got over it and did believe again that it wasn’t supposed to happen for me. I moved on and was enjoying where I was.
Last week it came back up in the forefront of my life. The opportunity is there again, but this time I was leary. There were nerves that didn’t exist before. Should I want this when I’m happy? Am I supposed to do this?
I prayed about it, and enlisted prayer partners to ask Jesus to just give me an answer. A flashing neon sign if you will. After a few days of silence, I began to wonder if this was His answer. No answer means don’t go for it. Then I started thinking about free will. Is it me using free will if I went for it when I wasn’t supposed to? Because then He could just shut the door again, so it really wouldn’t be that bad. All of these thoughts were running through my head, and I started to over analyze all of them.
Talking with some people that I really respect helped me sort out my feelings, so I went for it. Now I’m waiting. Not so patiently. Actually, this morning I was going to talk to someone and see if I could find anything out, but as I was thinking about it, His voice whispered in my ear to Be Still. So I listened, and I was still. So, this is me, blogging it out, as patiently as I can.
I don’t want to give more information yet, but I promise I will either way when I find out. It’s a story where it makes me uncomfortable, but God might be choosing to stretch me and use me. We’ll see.