Tag Archives: death

Loss and Grief

Dictionary.com describes grief like this:  1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. 2. a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

I can’t put words together to describe my feelings most of the time. This post won’t make sense to anyone probably, but I have to get it out of my head.

My mom died August 6th. Seven weeks ago I lost my mom. My dad is alone, and I don’t have a mom.

It’s a physical pain. A numbness. Always with me, sometimes it washes over me like a wave, and others it sticks on me. A heaviness in my heart and chest that leads to the ugly cry that leaves me in a heap.

What triggers it? Nothing and everything.

I want to tell her something and I can’t. I want to talk to her about my day, my family, something I need advice on, but I can’t.

I go to work and put on a smile and do the best with what I have right now, then I come home and have nothing left to give. It’s exhausting, grief is. Yet sleep is not sweet. It’s not fair to my family, but this is me right now. I don’t want to stay in this spot. I hear it’s a journey, but it seems the road is ever winding and I’m lost.

People say things because they’re uncomfortable around me, and they mean well, I know they do. Words can’t and don’t help. Unless you’ve been through it, the loss of a parent, you don’t understand. It’s a club I don’t want to be in.

If you don’t know what to say, it’s ok to say that. Most times it’s ok to just give me a hug and tell me you’re praying. And then really pray! Pray for me and for others. I need His strength to get through this.

Many times I have argued that God DOES give me more than I can handle, because only then do I fully submit to Him. I surrender it all to Him when it’s more than I can carry. That’s how it’s supposed to be. I need Jesus. He doesn’t need me. I need Him.

Even though I know I will see my mom in Heaven, I still miss her. I grieve the loss of her physical presence here on earth. I am thankful for the hope we have in Christ, but it’s hard to be happy when I want to share it with her. I’m battling my flesh.

The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in Him.” Lamentations 3:24 ESV

Though he slay  me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face. Job 13:15 ESV

Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. John 14:1 ESV

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18 ESV

My joy is gone; grief is upon me; my heart is sick within me. Jeremiah 8:18 ESV

So, my heart is broken and I am sad. I don’t see an end in sight soon. This coming Sunday is my mom’s birthday. Next month we have our first Thanksgiving without her and then my mom and dad’s anniversary a few days after that. A year of firsts that will be hard. Jesus, help us. Guide and direct us. Heal our hearts.

A tearful goodbye/celebration

I don’t know what else to call it, besides the best funeral I’ve ever been to.  It sounds crazy to say that, but that’s how I feel.  I was dreading this funeral so badly, but was blessed by attending it in so many ways.  My dad’s cousin Jimmy died on Saturday.  He was only 52 and it was totally unexpected.  Married with three beautiful boys, the oldest is a teen.  It’s so hard to think about sometimes, but I urge you to take the time to talk with someone about what you would like to happen when you’re gone.  Jimmy and his wife did that, and I want to do it too.  There were 3 songs sung by two women, and then we sang two hymns.  These were songs that he had wanted.  The pastor opened up the floor for people to talk, and I was amazed by the outpouring of love to the family.  Everyone spoke of how much he loved his family, and how much he loved the Lord.  He touched so many lives, and didn’t even realize it I’m sure.  That’s just the kind of person he was.  He cared.  People from his church, and people from his workplace all loved him, and were blessed by the Holy Spirit within him.  One woman was talking about how he always lifted them up if they were struggling at work, and then she broke out singing Wind beneath My Wings!  It was beautiful!  Another person spoke highly of Jim, and didn’t know his wife, but said he knew her potato salad, and to fed ex it to them every now and then if she had to.  That made her laugh!  There were tears and there was laughter, and I guess the difference that I felt in this funeral was this.  We were a room filled with more believers in Jesus Christ than not.  We know that his earthly presence will be missed, but that he is truly home with God right now.  We may not understand it, but God has a plan for Jim, and it includes him at His side.  The pastor then preached, because he said that’s what Jim wanted him to do.  He preached about salvation, and that doesn’t mean just doing good things.  We have to confess, repent, and ask for fogiveness of our sins, and He will forgive.  We need to ask Jesus into our hearts and lives, and commit to follow Him.  And it’s too late when we’re in the coffin.  I had some family members sitting right there with me that needed to hear that, but I’m not sure they did.  I don’t understand it, but I don’t need to.  I just need to continue to pray for them.  (Off on a tangent again!)  Anyway, even in his death, Jim was witnessing to others.  He  planned that all out, and he knew who needed to hear it!  One person that stood up said we might ask why?  We should turn that around and we get YHW.  That stands for Your Holy Will!  Isn’t that great?  WHY= Your Holy Will 

I could go on and on, that’s how amazing it was!  I’ll stop, but I ask for prayers for his family.  I know they have a great church family that will lift them up, but you can never have too many prayers! 

I have one more funeral to attend this week.  A friend who passed away on Sunday, unexpectedly at the age of 36.  He too has a wife and 2 kids, the oldest is 12.  I just ask that these families be lifted in prayer, and that God would wrap His loving arms around them and provide comfort to them, that only He knows how.