Category Archives: Uncategorized

Be Still

“Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

It’s so hard for me. I guess it’s a control thing.

I’m ashamed to even say that.

Life is hard. It’s not supposed to be easy.

I’m walking through a valley right now. It seems dark and mired with mud and sludge.

My Comforter says Be Still. Be still and know that He is God.

He is God and I am not.

He’s got it. Whatever it is.

He’s got my fears and yours.

God, I thank you for your peace. I thank you for your strength and love. Thank you for loving me so much. I don’t want to be in control. Please forgive me for taking the wheel and going my own ways. Help me to surrender fully to you, and show me areas that I’m still holding on to. Fill me with your mercy. So many are hurting now. SO many need you. Lord, come. We need you. In Jesus’ name, Amen

 

It’s part of the journey

Do you ever feel like you’re on a roller coaster ride and the attendant decides to take an extended lunch break? So you’re riding along and having fun, the ride slows down and you enter the chute where you will exit the ride, but the ride doesn’t stop. It goes right on through the chute and back up you go.

Maybe it will be fun to go again, you think.

You come to a slow and enter the chute again, expecting to stop this time, and continue right on through and back up again.

That’s what I feel like right now. I just want to get off of the roller coaster and take a breather.

I mentioned a few days ago that God was moving Big time, and it was wonderful! But ya know what happens when God moves? Satan gets worried that he’s losing the battle and he starts getting ugly. He fights dirty too. Pulls out all the nasty stuff and uses it to pull us back to his ways.

So, there’s a battle going on. It’s ugly. It’s not fun. It makes me cry.

It makes me lean closer to God.

It makes me call my prayer warriors.

It draws me nearer to Christ.

For some, it makes them question.

I know the victor. I will stand firm in His promises, and know that this is working for His good. He has a plan and I’m trying not to step in the way, all the while I’m trying to lead by example.

It’s not easy because I’m human and I fall short every day. The beauty of that is forgiveness and grace.

If only we choose to accept it.

So I will continue to ride this coaster until the journey is done. Each hill gets us closer.

Things to remember

As a mom, I find myself trying to etch certain memories into my brain and heart to be kept with me forever. Whether it be the big things in life, or even something small in the grand scheme of things. Whatever it is, touches me so deeply that I don’t want to let it go. Ever.

So I decided to keep a list of them here, and will continually add to them. Being a perfectionist, I naturally want to go back to the beginning of time to start the list…but I won’t. Yet…

I always want to remember how gracefully Brooke dances, and the beautiful smile on her face when she does it.
The way Matthew crawls onto my lap for bedtime prayers and he wraps himself around me.
The way Zach thinks he’s too big for a hug but he still lets me hug him anyway.
Matthew calls his morning oatmeal…oakmeal. It’s so dang cute!
And lastly, when I step back and just observe them, how much love they have for each other. Yeah, they argue and fight over silly stuff, but they also have these great moments in time together. Shared sibling moments that I never experienced, and sometimes just don’t understand. But I love experiencing them through their moments. I am so blessed!

The Man in the Red Suit

image

image

I tried to coerce the older kids to have their picture taken with Santa, but they decided to wreak havoc skip out and walk the mall with friends. So Matthew and I were left alone, in a fairly short line, and he decided he didn’t want to see Santa alone. The vision of me squatting at the knee of Santa one year while holding Matthew in my arms pops into my head. I wasn’t dressed for the occasion, and I hate that picture! This can’t be happening again! So I did what every good mom would do. I begged and pleaded, gave him my sad face, and it worked. He marched right up there and sat down on Santa’s lap, and proceeded to tell him what is on his wish list. And a few other things that he hadn’t told me yet.

Now I love this Santa. He is the same man that Brooke sat on 14 years ago when she was a baby. It was the same man 2 years later when Zach was a baby. We have history. We go way back. I will cry if he retires before Matthew…ya know…finds out….

We won’t go there, not yet. He knows that we celebrate Christmas for Jesus birthday and not for Santa, but it’s just one of those magical things that I’m not ready to give up on yet.

Be Still-Part 2

Last month I hinted around at something that I wanted and it didn’t happen. The opportunity presented itself again, and I didn’t know what to do. I wrestled with God, and I had questions. Was I doing the right thing, or using my free will to do the wrong thing? I finally decided that God would close the door again if it wasn’t supposed to be. The IT, was a job at a school. There were lots of pros and cons on the list, and I was just uncertain. When it didn’t happen the first time around, I will be totally honest, my heart was broken. I was upset and confused, but I came to the place that I understood, it wasn’t meant to be. God closed that door for a reason, and I might not ever know the reason, but I will go on. So, when the postings came up again, there was inner turmoil. Turmoil because of what happened the last time, and a few other reasons too. But, like I said previously, I prayed about it and went out on a limb.

I had inner turmoil, and that’s when I knew I needed to be still. I wanted to interfere, but I didn’t. That was hard for me, an admitted control freak, but I stayed strong.

Our schools are way, WAY over budget. They proposed a referendum, a property tax increase for 7 years to help ease the budgetary problems. Most people in our community are feeling the down turn of the economy, reigning in spending, and leary of increased taxes. The referendum did not pass, therefore, the teaching assistant position that I interviewed for back in August and didn’t get, will be cut. The person who did get the job, a teacher who didn’t get a teaching position, but a teachers assistant, will be losing her job. It’s hitting home. God closed the door, and now He’s revealing why. He always knows.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I’m glad that I was able to listen and be still. I didn’t take control and mess things up. It would have been a hassle, an inconvenience that we just don’t need right now. So, it was hard, but He saved me from the really hard. Thank you Jesus for loving me and my flaws. You forgive me when I’m controlling and mess things up. Please continue to grow and change me.

Weekend Re-cap

It’s tough to be a mom and have two kids doing different activities in different locations at the same time. Can someone just split me in half and put my heart back together?

Friday night Brooke danced at the JV football game and the boys raced. I’ve attended all the other football games to watch her dance, and missed the boys racing on those nights. This night was different in that Zach moved up out of the Restrictor class to the Open Wing class. Instead of racing with boys aged 10-16, he was now racing with 16++. My baby racing with grown men! I wanted to be there for that first time.

Brooke tells me they had their best performance ever, so YAY! I’m sad I missed it baby girl, but thank you for understanding. Matthew had an astounding night. He passed a few cars, and ended up finishing 5th in the feature. He is making great strides, and he’s only just turned 7, so I am so proud of him.

Zach moved up and qualified 3rd fast, won the heat race and won the feature. It was so awesome to see that smile back on his face, and to see these grown men coming up and praising him for doing so well. My heart swells! It was amazing.

Saturday brought another football game, this time Varsity played at Lucas Oil Stadium, and Brooke danced at pre-game. She was right, best performance ever. My baby girl is so beautiful all the time, but when she dances, she is absolutely radiant! I can’t take my eyes off of her to see what the whole group is doing. God has gifted her with dance. It DID NOT come from me.

I left the game early and rushed to Martinsville to see the boys race again. We had never been to this track, and don’t think we will ever go back. It was too small and sandy dirt, so they were sliding all over the place. Good experience for them, but not enjoyable.

Church yesterday was awesome! The sermon was about Abraham, and what to do when you don’t know what to do. One thing that still sticks in my mind is this…God doesn’t want you to follow a plan, He wants you to follow HIM!

The boys went to the woods after lunch, and Brooke and I spent some quiet time together, then we went to the grocery store. Busy weekend, and I don’t really feel like I accomplished much. I’m ready for the busy season to come to a close, and spend some time with my family at home.

Now is not a good time

Chapter 4 of the Radical read along, and let me just be really honest here…I want to quit. So badly. I just want to lay this book down and not think of it again, because it makes me feel broken, lost, confused, and convicted. I don’t like feeling this way. Guilty too, I almost forgot the guilt. I keep waiting for a happy chapter. One filled with how much God loves me and appreciates what I’m doing. Or just how He loves me even when I’m not doing anything to grow His kingdom, but just sailing along on my own, taking care of things.

That’s how I was living before this book changed my perspective. Every chapter is tough. They make me want to change myself, and the world around me. But how? I’m just me and now is really not a good time. See, I’m one of those people that has supported missionaries, but thought “that’s not for me.” Surely God doesn’t want me to go to the ends of the earth when my family is here…and comfortable. Maybe when the kids are grown I’ll be able to travel to the less fortunate and serve in some way. Maybe.

Jesus called us to make disciples of all nations in Matthew 28. Am I saying no? How can I? Really, how can I say no to Jesus, and how can I make disciples of all the nations? Sadly, saying no has become way too easy. Making disciples can only be accomplished by humbling myself, confessing my weakness, and accepting God’s grace. Only by the GRACE of God!

“He created human beings, not only to enjoy his grace in a relationship with him, but also to extend his glory to the ends of the earth.” (pg 65) The great why of God deals with a global purpose. It’s not just my neck of the woods. Global.

“God blesses his people with extravagant grace so they might extend his extravagant glory to all peoples on the earth.” (pg 69) How great is that? He blesses me with his grace, so I can share his glory with the world. Be a disciple, and share his glory. He blesses me, and I choose to extend that to others, not just ignore it and go on about my life. That’s good. And scary too. It’s making me step outside of my box of comfort, and take a hard look at myself.

I don’t like what I’m seeing, so I’m praying. God is working on me, and I’m trying not to say no anymore. Refine me Lord. Use me. Thank you.