Category Archives: life

The loss of a child

When I heard the sound of my dad’s voice, I knew something was wrong. I didn’t expect what was coming.

The unthinkable happened. Tragedy struck my cousin and his family.
Heaven gained another angel, in the form of an eight year old boy.

Dad was calling to ask me to pray, and I knew that’s what I needed to do. I opened my mouth and nothing came out. There was such a jumble of emotions overwhelming me, and all I could think was Jesus help. Jesus, help!

I believe the Holy Spirit can decipher the groans of my heart. There have been other times when I had no words. He’s always heard me.

Psalm 38:8 I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart.

He gave me a little peace and I was able to put a call out to my prayer warrior friends. They astound me with their love and willingness to drop everything and take my request to the Lord. When I knew that my extended family was being covered in prayer, I was able to sit down and talk to Jesus.

While I can’t even begin to understand why this radiant little boy had to leave his family so soon, I have to trust that He has a plan, even in this. His plans are far greater than mine.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

My heart won’t let my mind go there because it’s just too painful to imagine. I can’t fathom the pain they are feeling, and all I can do is pray. Will you pray for them too?

Jesus, help.

When you hurt, I hurt too

I had all these thoughts rambling around in my head and wanted to get them out. Now I can’t form a sentence.

I guess I have questions.

Lots of questions.

Why do you go back to the pit when you’ve seen the LIGHT? I get that it’s comfortable, a place you’re familiar with. You’ve spent so much time there. But why is it so easy to go back to that place and dwell there?

Why do you not fight? It’s so easy for you to give up. And don’t tell me you’ve been through crap and back, because I KNOW THAT! I just want you to speak up to those that are doing wrong and stand up for yourself. And maybe even realize everyone goes through their own kind of crap, some of which is far worse than what you do.

Why do you call me to vent about someone yelling at you, that you’re not going to be yelled at again today, and end up yelling at me. How is that right? Why do you not see that? Do you wonder if, or when I will be done?

How can you not see the effects of your attitude? It’s like a riptide that carries everyone out to sea and underwater. It’s not just you.

Why do you shut me out and push me away? You close yourself off to anyone who wants to help. You withdraw when you need to reach out.

Why do you think so little of yourself? You are a child of God, created in His own image. He loves you and He has great plans for you. Believe His promises. Rebuke satan.

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

So what do people get in this life for all their hard work and anxiety? Their days of labor are filled with pain and grief; even at night their minds cannot rest. It is all meaningless. Ecclesiastes 2:22

When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. Psalm 91:15

For He loves us with unfailing love; the Lord’s faithfulness endures forever. Praise the Lord! Psalm 117:2

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow-not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. Romans 8:35-38

Why not pick up the ball and take a step forward? I’m still here, waiting

Friday Fragments

I can only think in short bursts right now, so this is going to be in list form.

  1. This has been a really good week in that God is moving BIG time in the heart of someone I love dearly. I’m talking radical changes that make my head spin! It’s a total answer to prayers, but I also know it is a journey that begins with a single step. That step can go forward or backward. There will be good days and hard days. We’ve had a few of both. There’s been lots of tears and laughter, and they seem to go together right now. I am trying to let God run the show and not take over, which is hard for me. I want to step back and let Him lead us. I’d appreciate your prayers for this!
  2. This has been a trying week because I feel under pressure. I feel the pressure to remain positive and strong, when sometimes I’m just lost. I’m trying to remind myself that I’m human, and I need to fully rely on God
  3. Homework has been a chore for the youngest this week. He had a project for a famous American, so there was writing and memorization and nerves. We couldn’t find him a coonskin hat so dad saved the day and made him one out of a stuffed animal. He rocked the presentation this morning! I think part of the problem has to do with playing his iPod when he is supposed to be sleeping. I’ll be keeping the iPod for charging purposes at night from now on. Hopefully that will help with tiredness and attitude.
  4. As I type this, satan is hard at work. He sees the changes that have been happening and he’s trying to stop it from happening. Please join with me in prayer that my loved one can shut out his voices and rest in the promises of Jesus.

Post Blissdom Spin

I’m still fighting post Blissdom exhaustion and haven’t had the time to wrap my head around all the wonderful things I heard and learned.

I’m still praying about the changes I’m going to make to this blog. I have to make the change to self hosting and that requires a domain name change. Last time I opened up the bible and landed on Proverbs 24:5-6. Simple, right? I’m open to suggestions if you have any!

I’m also trying to write my story, my testimony, and it’s changing so radically right now that my head is spinning. I sit back in awe and amazement at how quickly God is moving and changing hearts right now! Seriously, if you don’t know Jesus, I want to help you get to know Him. He heals all wounds.

What’s going on with you right now? Can I pray for you at all?

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My Blissdom Weekend

I only have a few minutes and I’m still trying to wrap my head around all the amazing things going on right now, so this is going to be short.

I won a free conference pass to Blissdom a while back and I was really unsure if I would be able to go or not. Well, I went and had a great time. I also met some crazy talented women! I also made some new friends for life.

I seriously mean it when I say God had this written in my plan from day one. I am blessed and incredibly honored to have amazing people in my life.

At this conference I was challenged to write something dangerous and not safe. This has been brewing in me for a while now, and I’m working on it. I promise I’m going to share it soon.

I drove home late Saturday night with the help of two energy drinks and arrived safely into my husband’s arms a little after 4 am. My family is a huge part of my heartbeat and I had missed them terribly.

It was good to be missed too!

I’m going to be making changes around here soon, so I hope you’ll continue to hang around with me.

Top Ten Reasons Why I Feel Old. Very Old.

I have a birthday coming up. Next week.

It’s not the BIG birthday, but it’s the one before the BIG one. ‘Nuff said.

I’m feeling old as of late, and here are some reasons why.

1. I have a decision to make. Embrace the grey hair or spend the money to cover it up. Honestly, I’ve tried to embrace it, and pluck it out with tweezers, and neither is really working for me.

2. This year Brian and I will celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary. Wow!!

3. My oldest baby has officially completed Drivers Ed and has her learners permit. (Deep breaths…Deep breaths) I still remember the feel  of her in my arms for the very first time.

4. My oldest son has had a growth spurt. We can look each other in the eyes now. I remember the first time I saw those beautiful eyes.

5. My youngest son is also growing so fast we can’t keep clothes that fit. I’m no longer able to pick him up. My baby.

6. My metabolism seems to have slowed to a turtle’s pace.

7. My knees creak when I walk up the stairs.

8. I used to be warm natured, and now I am always cold.

9. My vision is terrible!

10. As I sit here, I have a hot rice sock on my neck. I reached up to brush my hair this morning and pulled a muscle in my neck. How does this happen? I was trying to brush my hair!

Someone, please commiserate with me or tell me I’m youthful.

This post is linked up with Oh Amanda. Visit her for Top Ten Tuesday.

A little confession

On Friday evening we watched Brooke cheer the Cougars on at their first loss. It was a tough game! I love watching Brooke though, so I still enjoyed it. She is simply beautiful, loves deeply, and is so kind hearted. I am blessed to call her my daughter.

She will be starting Drivers Ed on Wednesday, so I could use lots of prayers. I’m going to be a blubbering mess!

Saturday brought with it Matthew’s second basketball game of the season. He has picked up a lot since last year, and it’s fun to watch him understand what’s going on. It also helps that Brooke’s boyfriend is an awesome player on the Varsity team, and he is eager to help Matthew out.

Here’s where the confession comes. Are you still there? I’m just a little competitive. Ok, maybe a lot! I could tell you that I just want him to have fun, but I really want him to win. I want him to have fun while winning. I don’t know where this comes from, because I didn’t play any sports when I was little. But something comes out in me, and it’s not pretty.

This year we have a referee, and he makes some calls, but he clearly stated that they didn’t want him to make too many. Well, when a kid takes my baby down to the floor, I expect a call. I almost came off the bleachers to save Matthew, but thought better of it when Brian looked me in the eye and told me “it’s ok.” Obviously it was NOT ok, as some kid just took. my. baby. down!! Then his mom cheers him on! This is when something snapped in me, and I yelled out, “don’t let him push you around, Matthew!” And the next time Matthew scored, I cheered extra loud. Looking back, I’m not proud of my behavior. I am proud of Matthew though.

That evening we had the pleasure of traveling to another Cougars game, and watching them pull off an awesome win. The calls were terrible, and it was a close game up to the last second, but it was probably the most exciting basketball game I’ve been to. Everyone left smiling.

Yesterday we cleaned the house a little and Brooke’s boyfriend spent the day with us. He was outside playing basketball with the boys while Brooke finished a project, and I think she might have been jealous. It was sweet. Matthew has been having a hard time leaving me for school lately, some days he has cried and not wanted to get out of the car in the drop off line. This has gone on for a couple of weeks now, and it always rears up at the last minute in drop off, until last night. Last night, he became very teary when I said there were only eight more days of school until Christmas break. He told me he didn’t want to go to school because he misses me too much when he’s there. We spent some time laying on my bed talking, crying, and praying. I told him that we thought our family was complete, and then I decided we needed one more child, and that Jesus gave us him. I shared with him that Jesus knew what He was doing, and that He has great plans for Matthew. Also that He’s always with us, so when we get scared, all we have to do is call out to Him. We prayed a lot, and we went to bed in a better place.

I didn’t wake up today with that same light heart though. I hit the snooze button, so there wasn’t time for me to do my bible reading. I was grouchy when I walked into the kitchen that I had cleaned yesterday, and discovered a large mess on the table and in the sink where someone made muddy buddies and didn’t clean up after themselves. The dog was into EVERYTHING! I was also dreading waking Matthew up. I didn’t want to deal with any more tears, and I was just a grump. Little things kept hitting me, and I know it was satan. Brooke waited until this morning to print off her project and the printer needed to run a test print first. Her ride showed up and she told them to go on, so I had to take her to school. I was in a full blown tizzy by that time. When I came back home, Matthew and I sat at the kitchen table together. I could tell that he was trying to hold back the tears, and he could probably tell I was being overly talkative. We were doing well until he reminded me that we needed to fill out his reading log, and I couldn’t find it. I made one out, and we were racing out the door to make it to school on time. I drove to the end of the road, came to a rolling stop and turned right. As soon as I did, I saw the cop sitting there. When I passed him, he pulled out behind me, and next I saw his lights. I knew what I had done. I was guilty and wrong. And running late.

The officer was very nice and just gave me a warning. I know I should stop. Completely.

We went off and made it to school in time. Both of us were trying to hold it together by this time, and we managed to do so. I promised him last night that we would do something special if he didn’t cry, so tonight we made homemade sugar cookies together. As we were sitting at the table, he said, “thanks for bringing me into this world.” I chuckled as I asked him where that came from, and he said, “you know, last night when you were talking to me about wanting another baby, thanks for having me.” My heart melts!

Ten Years Ago

While I can sit here and not remember what I was doing last week at this time, I can certainly tell you what I was doing ten years ago when the world as I knew it changed. My baby girl was in kindergarten and it was the day of her very first field trip. We were going to an apple orchard for lots of fun, and our morning was so filled with anticipation that I hadn’t bothered to turn on the television.

It was on the way to school that I heard about the first plane hitting, and remember thinking what a fluke accident. It never crossed my mind that it was anything but an accident.

We arrived at school and loaded up on a bus, only to hear a few of the other moms and the teacher whispering that the second plane had hit, and terrorism was suspected. We were advised to shut off our phones and not discuss anything in front of the children. We were completely cut off from the activity for over 2 hours, pasting smiles on our faces as we watched our kids laugh and play, wondering what else was happening.

Once we returned to school and were dismissed I found out the terrible news.  It was bad, and the fear of what was to come was almost overpowering.

My husband had been trying to reach me but my phone had been turned off. He was near frantic when I called him back. Brooke and I rushed over to my mother in law to get Zach and we were glued to the TV until we couldn’t stand it any longer. We took the kids outside and let them play. All the time wondering if we were safe. What next?

Ten years has passed for us, but we still remember. Brooke and I were just talking about it yesterday. Zach was only three so he has no memory of it at all. I’m thankful for that.

My prayers go out to everyone that lost someone on that day, and everyone who was affected by the tragedy in some way. May they find peace that only God can provide.

We will always remember 9/11/01

Fireworks

I used to love fireworks.
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Somewhere between my 20’s and late 30’s, I’ve discovered that I like them only on my terms.image

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I’m learning things about myself.image

I’m slow in hitting the camera button on my non Iphone…image

That’s an inside joke meant for the other members of my family who actually own an Iphone.

Fireworks are still beautiful and fun to watch because my kids get all excited to participate in the festivities, but the mosquitoes are vicious! They totally ran me into the house and ended our night early. Those blood sucking pests. If it weren’t for the kids, I would be happy to sit in my living room and watch the neighbors play with fire. I hope they will remember that when they are pondering the nursing home for me.
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Summer Vacation is here!!

School is finished and the kids are enjoying their first day of summer vacation! I feel like it’s been a long time coming honestly. With Brooke in high school, Zach in middle school, and Matthew in elementary, I’ve done my fair share of school events and driving. I’m ready for a break.

It was a transitional year for each of my kids, and there were some struggles. Struggles that I hope will resolve before Fall comes around. I’m ready for the laid back days, no 6 am alarm going off, and no morning rush. Days spent at the pool and movies are calling to me. Maybe a trip to the zoo if it cools down a bit, and even the Children’s Museum.

What’s on your agenda for the summer?